YOU ARE MY ONLY HOPE! (Written on May 16,2013)

Lord, I bought the book, “Dairy of a Fat Housewife” because I have indeed fallen and I can’t get up!

(My child, I am here!)

Lord, I have had my face down in the feeding trough! I now come before You with the crumbs still on my face and my belly swollen to its fullest capacity. I have run to my sin eagerly and with only a sight hesitation. Previously, I made a vow to fast and eat only one meal a day for two weeks. Now, what have I actually done? I put my face down in the feeding trough, then when I get out of the trough I graze in the field of pleasure foods. Lord, we have talked about this so many times. I have confessed my sins over and over. I have begged for forgiveness, then I just run to consume even more and more of my sins. Lord, I truly feel that there is no hope for me, that maybe I should just give up and accept this fat, plumb woman with the fat plumb cheeks that I am!

(My child, I am Your only hope! I AM!)

Lord, I need You! You are my only hope! There is no way I can have any self-control at all! There is no way I can turn away from this temptation! These thoughts come into my head, “What about that ice cream? What about those cookies?” Then I run as fast as I can to consume in gluttony those temptations. Lord, I can’t quit, I can’t stop myself! Yes Lord, I am full of greed for more and more; only it is not for material goods, it is for food and more of it! More and more, I want to consume all of it until no more is found! No, I want to consume it all until I am so full and bloated that I simply cannot move. I can only lay in bed, breathe, and feel the round softness of my belly, full of its sin. Lord, what can I do?

How do I stop this? Lord, repentance doesn’t mean just saying , “I’m sorry”, it means “to turn away from your sin”. Obviously, I have not turned away because I keep grabbing it and stuffing it in my mouth to consume more of it. Over and over, I do this. What can I do? How can I stop?

Okay Lord, if I need an accountability partner, who? I have had so many and yet I have been unaccountable to all of them. So, who, what can I do? Alright Lord, send that person to me or rather open my eyes to see who would be the one of Your will.

What? Her? No way! Lord, I would think that it would be a more “holy” person! She does not seem “holy” at all! She does not even understand about Celebrate Recovery! No Lord, she does not understand how this works at all!

(But it would help her as well.)

Oh Lord, I need to know if this is Your will and not Satan trying to torment me more! Lord, I will need at least three confirmations from You so that I will know that I know that I know. Lord, if You will send three confirmations, then I will know this is of You.

——-“But without faith, it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.”         Hebrews 11:6 NKJV

(God is able.)

Alright God, You are able, but I know You don’t go against man’s free will. So, what happens when I go for the food with my free will?

(I step aside and allow you to go your way. Read Isaiah 40: 25-31.)

——-“He gives power to the week. And to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary. And the young men shall utterly fall. But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”                             Isaiah 40: 29-31 NKJV

Lord, I have fallen but my heart’s desires more and more of this food! What can I do? I want more even now while we are talking! If there was anything here, I would eat it!