YOU ARE NOT ALONE! (written on May 22, 2013)

IMG_7200Lord Jesus, here I am. I don’t even know what to say?    Uh . . . well . . . I got there. I hit a new mark not seen since 2001. I now weigh 241.2 pounds. Oh why, why did I keep eating until I arrived at that number? Why?  Insanity describes all my actions, or at least those about food.

I don’t know where to turn or what to do! You have talked to me and talked to me about this and now . . . Now, here I am, 241.2! You have shown me mercy and grace beyond my comprehension. I have admitted that “yes, I am a glutton”. It seems as though I have asked for forgiveness for over a million times! Yet, You are always there ready to forgive me. Why? I do not know. Even my husband acts like he still loves me. Why? I do not know. I have tried all sorts of things, including accountability partners, only to fail them and admit another failure.

I really don’t want stomach surgery. I don’t like surgery, but I do like the results that I see on others that have had this surgery. Besides that, Lord, we both know that the way I gluttonize I would just bust out the staples and be an example of gastric bypass failure. It seems that everything I have tried to stop overeating I have failed at.

Lord, deep down I know You are my only hope! Yet, I have failed there too! Lord, I am at my wit’s end! I feel lost! I have lost my battle, my war on my compulsive overeating. I feel totally defeated! What do they say, “the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat”? Well, I am in the “agony of defeat”! I can’t even say, “it is over” because I am still breathing. And I really don’t want to keep eating until I blow up, so here I am. They say, “You have to hit bottom” before you comes to your senses. Well, am I at my “bottom” now?

Last Sunday, I felt in my heart that You told me, “Today is the first day of your healing”. Well, today is Wednesday and I have gluttonized every day since, unstoppable, with great quantities of sweets and junk food. I am NOT HEALED, if anything, I have gotten worse! So, here I am, the biggest I have been in twelve years. Do I just keep getting bigger? I don’t want to!

Do I ask yet another person to be an accountability partner, yet again? Lord, I felt impressed a couple of days ago to ask this “friend”. But we both know, at times she drives me nuts! She has her own opinions, different from mine. She has a controlling nature! When I first sensed this impression to ask her, I immediately rejected that idea. I just couldn’t stand humbling myself under her control. She has also suggested several times that I take this over the counter herbal stuff so that “I could eat anything I wanted and still lose weight”. Lord, we both know that is impossible! There is no way that I could just take a couple of pills, eat whatever I wanted, and still lose weight! There is something called “self-control”  and I know it does not come in the form of a pill!

Oh I know, I know that helping me might also help her with her own issues. So if I am to  submit myself, rather subject myself to this person, You will have to really give me some major, powerful confirmation! Because how do I know, these thoughts could just be from the enemy? This could just very well totally, totally destroy whatever “Christian” witness I might have left? Lord, we both know that I have damaged it enough all by myself with this sin of gluttony!

——-” I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present  your bodies a living sacrifice , holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service.”            Romans 12:1 NKJV

——–“Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.”                               James 5: 16 NKJV

(My child, Jonah didn’t want to go to Nineveh either and he got caught in a huge fish. You, My child are also caught in a huge trap!)

Lord, I really need some confirmation about this!

(Jonah didn’t approve of Nineveh because he thought he was better than them. And he wanted to go the other way too!)

Lord, if I succeed in losing weight, she will take the “credit”.

(No, she won’t for I will do a “work” in her heart through this. She will think she is helping you. You will think you are helping her.  It is a good plan for I will heal both of you and you both will know that it is I that helped you both.)

Ahhhhh! Lord, I really don’t want to do this! I really need total confirmation from You!

( You will have it My child, and you will know that I am preparing her heart as well. Both of you will receive My healing and My restoration. Victory is Mine, saith the Lord.)

Lord, this can’t be right, it just can’t be! But I will look for Your confirmation and if this is Your will, then I am willing to accept it. I will submit myself to You.

(It will be a three-cord rope, the two of you and My Holy Spirit. The strength that I provide will keep you both from being broken. How many times, My child, have I said to you, ‘Don’t look at what you see; instead look at Me, for I am all that you need!’)

Okay Lord, we will see!

— Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. . . . . . . . . Though one can be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.                                      Ecclesiastes 4:9,10,12 NKJV

—- NOTE:    As of September 23, 2013, I have now lost 27 pounds. Praise God!

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