My Fall

 

 

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Bicycle Fall May 2011

Every now and then we fall. This picture is from a bicycle fall in May 2011. My weight loss plan then was to ride a bicycle to lose weight and get in shape.

With that fall, I got in a shape alright, ended up in surgery with added cadaver bone, 7 screws, a metal plate, physical therapy, and two months in a wheelchair. I think I’d call that “in a shape”.

Just recently I had a spiritual fall. It didn’t hurt as much physically, except for aIMG_4218 few added pounds. It damaged me spiritually and resulted in feeling away from God. He was always with me, but I didn’t sense His Presence. Misery abundant.

Last month I made a commitment to “fast” 40 days from all sweets. Then I added fried foods to this “fast”.  This semi-fast was to seek God’s will about reaching a goal weight.

Weight was lost, maybe 4 pounds. My friends asked, “How much more are you going to lose? You’re getting too skinny.” One friend even said, “People are making comments about how skinny you are getting.” She implied it wasn’t good comments. People were getting worried about me. What? Never in my life have I ever considered this would be a problem.

So I started eating whole portions, eating more. Is this maintenance? Never achieved maintenance before. With each meal eaten, the gluttony monster started to awaken. I could feel the urge to eat more and more. Hmm, what is this? Haven’t felt this overwhelming urge to overeat in two years. Beginning to fall.

IMG_9965 I survived the Grandfather’s birthday celebration. Ate no cake.  But four days later, yes four days, I went for the cake. Whole hog, went for it. Ate until I was sick. Yes, boys and girls, put my face in the cake. While eating, I prayed, “God forgive me.” My daughter-in-law, who witnessed it all, was shocked. “You have become so obsessed about your food and your weight. It’s sad what you have become. You’ve lost weight, but it consumes you.” Sigh, more guilt.

So okay, forget about dieting or losing weight. Everyone’s talking about how too skinny you are, so eat. Enjoy. Forget the guilt, it doesn’t matter.

IMG_4341But it did matter. As I looked back in my notebook, I realized I had “fasted” desserts for 39 days. What? Only one more day would have completed my vow. Yes, I binged on day 39. Disappointment. Told myself, “It’s ok, it doesn’t matter.” IMG_8327

But it did. Struggled for another two weeks. Did not blog. You don’t blog about losing weight when your face in the feeding trough.

Got sick of feeling bloated. Got sick of my bad attitude. Got sick of defeat. Got sick of overeating. Got miserable in my full fall.

IMG_0408Got out my Bible, my notebook, and read my weight loss journal. Then started talking to God again. Asked for His forgiveness. You see, He helped me lose over 90+ pounds. I can’t continue to disappoint Him by going back to my old eating habits before my weight loss. I asked for His help again.

Then I remembered my vow of no sweets or fried foods for 40 days. I should keep my vow to Him. How can I ask for help if I don’t keep my promises. So I begin another 40 days. Today is day 3 of my new beginning.

Amazing. My attitude is better. I can breathe in peace. Life is good.

Thank you Lord for not giving up on me after I disappointed You. Thank you for loving me. Take my life and use it as You see fit. I give myself to You. Amen

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I thought about the wrong direction in which I was headed, and turned around and came running back to you. Psalm 119:60 TLB

The very day I call for help, the tide of battle turns. My enemies flee! This one thing I know: God is for me! Psalm 56:9 TLB

For He has not despised my cries of deep despair; He has not turned and walked away. When I cried to Him, He heard and came. Psalm 22:24 TLB

 

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7 thoughts on “My Fall”

  1. In my experience, its hard to sort out the voice of God from the voice of man some days. Man screams so loud! God often whispers to my soul. Plus, me personally, I’m distracted by shiny things. 😉

    Supporting you in your next 40 days (or rather, 37 days), Deborah. You will make it this time. I believe!!!

    1. You made me laugh about being distracted by shiny things. I seem to be distracted by everything. LOL.

  2. Aww, you speak volumes to me with this post. Thank you for sharing your journey Deborah and for all the humour you inject in your posts. I enjoyed reading this and it also motivated me.

  3. Debbie,
    I have fallen off the bandwagon more times than I can count. I am worse than you- my weight is a steady 90 kgs. I seem to eat healthy and aware and all that but the weight doesn’t drop.
    Seeing you in a cast was so sad but you have done well so far- can you up your protein intake – like meat or fish or eggs if you like them or add more greens into your diet that will help reduce sweet cravings- this works for me.
    The good Lord will take you through- why don’t you post your struggles with keeping the sweet things off every day or every once in two days – this will keep you accountable and also you can keep track. I am doing that now. I am on day 5 now- of mindful eating.
    Let’s do this together with our Lord. ” The very day I call for help, the tide of the battle turns”- isn’t that amazing – all we need to do is ask.
    Love,
    Susie

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