[Written on December 30, 2013]
Lord, here I am again! Help me Lord! I went on a binge again last night! First, it started with the taco chips at the Mexican restaurant and then I ate all the taco salad including all the crispy shell. Then when I got home I proceeded to the cake, candy, ice cream, and even more snack cakes! Lord, I know better, I can’t believe I have done it again! I had almost made it a whole month without bingeing, I had almost earned a month-long “Recovery chip”. Oh my Lord, why did I do this again? I have lost 37 pounds, but if I keep this up I will just blow back up like a balloon in only one month! Oh why, why did I do this again?
People will tell me, “Get rid of the junk food, get it out of your house now!” But Lord, the junk food was all here while I lost the 37 pounds! It is not the food that is the problem, it is me! I am the problem! Lord, every time I start to feel successful I end up falling on my face down in the feeding trough! Lord, it would be so nice just to make it through a whole month without bingeing! I do want to earn a “Recovery chip” as a trophy of success! I have lost weight, but I haven’t succeeded in going 30 days without overeating! Why can’t I stop? This weight loss is wonderful and I have enjoyed wearing my smaller clothes, but Lord, You know my heart! I overeat because I want the food and more of it! I chose not to listen to Your voice of warning! I ate all of it because I wanted all of it! Lord, it doesn’t matter what the scales say or the size of my clothes, I know that what really matters most is my “heart”! Will I choose the food over You? It seems that I do, I did last night!
Oh Lord, I want to succeed as Your “strong daughter”, not one living in defeat over cookies, cake, or ice cream! Yes Lord, You have allowed me to have small amounts of these sweets on my “weight loss walk” with You, but not the way I ate last night! Lord, I really don’t want to live caught in this trap of bondage to defeat! I want to live victorious before You! I want to come forth as a shining light-giving testimony of Your power to deliver and set free!
(My child, just as an alcoholic can never return to “social drinking”, you will always have to keep up a disciplined lifestyle of eating in surrender. Never drop your guard for the enemy is sly, crafty, and determined to destroy your testimony. Always be aware of the food before you and the amount you eat.)
— Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, will perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. I Peter 5:8-10 NKJV
(Also My child, you find too much “pleasure” in your food. You have misplaced pleasure. I want you to experience pleasure in My Presence!)
Lord, I realize now what happened as I look back on last night’s restaurant experience. We sat there and visited for more than two hours, which may explain how easy it was to overeat there. And the waiter kept bringing more and more chips and salsa. I enjoyed the socializing with my friends, but what can I do to avoid overeating the next time?
(My child, ask for a glass of water. Sip the water and eat the ice.)
But Lord, what if I am cold?
(Then ask for hot tea or coffee, that will give you sometime to do with your hands as you talk and visit.
My child, last night at the restaurant you enjoyed the company, but your focus was really on the food not your friends. Next time focus on the people you are with, listening intently as they share with you the events of their life.
My child, one of the fruits of the Spirit is “self-control”. I am going to increase this gift within you, but it will be through more “testing” situations. You will only grow stronger as you exercise, therefore I will be increasing your exercise in “self-control”. Stay aware, look for these tests. As you increase your awareness of the testing, your strength will increase each time you resist temptation.)
— But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Galatians 5:22-25 NKJV
Yes Sir! Lord, thank you for not turning away from me in disgust and frustration. Thank you for talking with me again.
(My child, I love you! I want your success more than you do, for your success is My success! My child, I am proud of you, not because of your weight loss but because you are seeking My will and My guidance!)
— The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; for the lord upholds him with His hand. Psalm 37: 23-24 NKJV
(I love you My child, I will not let you go or give up on you! You will become all that I have created you for! I love you, My child!)
I love you too, My Lord! Take me, use me for Your glory for I am Yours!
[Update: On December 13, 2013, my Mother passed away. On December 20, I left to go on a trip to visit my grandchildren, over 700 miles. During the funeral family meals, out-of-town trip, and two weeks of Christmas holidays I only gained three pounds which is the smallest amount I have ever gained during this time of year. During past holidays in earlier years, I have gained as much as 15 pounds in the same two-week time period. Now after this Christmas I went on another binge for three days (what I call a “food drunk”) and now I gained another three pounds! Ahhhh! Finally, on December 30th, the Lord and I had this “talk”. He is showing me mercy and His love. I don’t deserve it! How I wish that I could say that I lost weight during this time period or even that I had stayed the same weight, but it is what it is. Sigh.
My goal for this year is to focus more on God’s will, the people He has placed in my life, and not the food. I have committed with a friend to “fast” on Wednesdays to help me focus more on praying for our children and grandchildren. I don’t know yet exactly what I will be “fasting” from, but the point is to keep the fleshly desires under subjection to my spiritual desires and to increase more and more in walking in God’s Presence in submission to His will.]